Happy Heavenly First Birthday Beautiful Girl!

I can’t believe it has been a year.  Wow, how time has flown.  I bet your birthday celebration is amazing.  I can’t even imagine.  As I watch the gorgeous sunrise this morning in the cemetery, the birds are chirping Happy Birthday to Grace.  I’m overtaken by God’s magnificent beauty.  He gives us peace and strength when we call on Him.

“The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands.” Psalm 19:1

Birthday Notes to Grace

I wonder what your birthday in heaven is like? Full of beauty, glorious singing, and love all around you.  As my selfishness wants to be with you, the side of me that would love to hear your sweet giggles, to see you grab the birthday cake, and the joy on your face. I know you are experiencing those in heaven. There is no better way to spend your first birthday than in the arms of your Heavenly Father.  You will never know pain and sadness.  How could I ever want anything different for you?  You are having the Best Birthday Ever. 

I can’t believe it has been a year since we cried and prayed with you.  The amazing peace we felt that day, but the pain of letting you go.  The sadness is something I will never be able to forget, because it is with me daily.  A part of me will always be with you.  We have all been changed by you.  There are days that are so hard, but God takes care of us. He sends us glimpses of you through His word, a whisper of your name, a gift that is a reminder of you shows up or a song about His amazing Grace.  
"God is so amazing, he knows our every thought.

Birthday Bibles with Grace's hand and footprints

God’s mercy and Grace are new every morning."Lev 3:23

This time last year I thought I would never be joyful again, but never count out our Amazing God.  He has restored my joy; I am changed. I love the song flawless, it says  “no matter the bumps, no matter the bruises; no matter the scars, still the truth is; the cross has made you flawless.”  You my beautiful girl, are Flawless. 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjLlLPZderk

Dancing through the Storm

2010 in the rain

Every one has been through a storm.  The storm of heartache, loss, anger.  No matter who you are, you have experienced a storm.  Your storm may be huge or small, but there has been one.  How did you weather it?  Did you dance?  One of my favorite memories is watching my boys dancing and playing in the rain.  They were on the swing set in our yard.  Sliding, dancing and singing with joy, innocence, freedom. The rain didn’t damper their spirit, it only excited it.  Had they stayed inside they would have missed the dance.

I’ve not thought about this past year as dancing through a storm until I saw a write up for a church that Scott and I are speaking at soon.  I then began to think over the previous year and reflect on the storm that we have had.  There are days where I don’t feel like I have danced, but maybe stomped through, but I wouldn't want it to change.  To change it means that we would have never had the blessing.

Storms can destroy, or storms can bring renewal or relief.  I think of the storm that Noah was in.  How tragic that was for the ones that were destroyed, but the relief Noah had, the peace that he knew he and his loved ones would survive. How do you weather a storm? As in all things you have a choice.  How are you going to pull through it?  Are you?  Are you going to let go and let God or are you going alone? Are you going to dance or are you going to give up?  God never wants us to be destroyed, to give up or to give in.  When the storm gets strong though, it sometimes is hard to hang on.  That is how this last year has been, hard to hang on. Praise God, He was hanging on to us.

Isaiah 41 13For I am the Lord your God

who takes hold of your right hand

and says to you, Do not fear;

I will help you.

It has been exactly one year ago this last week that our lives were forever changed. We heard those words that will always be etched in my head “I'm sorry, I've got some bad news.  Something is wrong with your baby and you will never bring it home.”  How we prayed for a miracle of healing on earth.  We were selfish and wanted her here.…..though this was not God’s plan. 

I struggle with that daily. 

Isaiah 55 8“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord

9“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways

and my thoughts than your thoughts.

10As the rain and the snow

come down from heaven,

and do not return to it

without watering the earth

and making it bud and flourish,

so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,

11so is my word that goes out from my mouth:

It will not return to me empty,

but will accomplish what I desire

and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.

Every day is different.  Somedays anger, some sadness, some are questioning.  I was reading through the things I’ve written over the last several months and it goes from a tornado to a peaceful snow to a ravaging hurricane.  Some moments I feel like I’m losing my mind and other moments, I see hope, sunlight.  

Our prayer since the beginning of Grace’s story was to use this in His mighty way.  I have to say I have wondered how? How is He going to use it?  A thought many probably have had as they go through their storm. I do know that through this storm and every other storm that we have, He is the sufficiency that we need to make it.  We will be different when we get to the other side of the storm; changed in ways we may not have realized we could change, but He has guided us the entire way.  Someone once said that if you avoid the storm, you could miss your greatest blessing.  How very true.  Sometimes after a storm comes the most beautiful rainbow.  A promise from God.  My promise is waiting in heaven.  My joy is the precious family I am blessed with here.  One husband that makes me laugh, two boys that brighten my day and a Heavenly Father that holds me up even when the skies are gray.

A wonderful song that describes Our Father during the storm: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L5bLvVjJ4MA

The Due Date

July 24.  I woke this morning thinking wow.....today was to be the day.  The date that was given to us for a due date.  It has been a hard week.  The reality of not bringing home a baby

Loving on Grace

and enjoying such a blessing has been hard.  I miss her.  I miss her being inside of me; being with me all the time. I miss talking to her and singing to her.  I miss the boys telling her stories and reading.  The closeness that we all had to her.  We are making progress, moving forward....but it has been tough.   The boys seem to be good, and Scott, well....he has been our knight in shining armor.  There are so many things that I could list that he has said and done through this entire eight months. He is such a positive man that loves the Lord. Through this he has never wavered, he has been our rock and encourager.  I wish I could do more for him, because I know he is hurting too.  Today he gave me the most beautiful card.  Grace was born at 3:10 in the morning.  He wrote that in Mark 3:10 it says "He had healed many that day, so all the sick people eagerly pushed forward to touch Him."  Grace was healed, and she did get to touch our precious Father.  Even better, she gets to be held by Him. That has to give me a great peace.  I know that she doesn't ever have to experience the pain and heartache in the world.  She will only know life as perfect. How could I ever ask for more for my daughter?  That should ease my broken heart, but it doesn't.  The selfish me wants her here with me.  As soon as I wake every morning I pray and picture Jesus holding Grace and I ask Him to tell her that I love her and give her a sweet kiss for me. 

This has been an absolute roller coaster.  I have gone from being able to make it an entire day without an emotional breakdown to crying all day the next day. I can  see a baby in a stroller being pushed by her Mom now without totally losing it, at least I can most days.  I can also open the mail and see another doctor bill and not become angry.  I really have struggled with that.  The bills still come, even though we didn't get the beauty that went with them.  Just like life, it goes on no matter what is happening to us at the moment. I go through so many feelings from anger, to sadness and over to peace.  Crazy...right?

I had my after baby “checkup” with Dr. Ricks two days ago.  I sat in the office with all the pregnant Mom’s and I thought…hmmmm...had this all been a different turn of events I could be in here for my weekly checkup to see if we were going to deliver this week.  For one minute, I just closed my eyes and imagined everything was perfect…. then back to reality.  It was hard to be in there. The same office that I have visited for the last 8 months, same room for checkups with the picture of the sweet newborn baby twins laying in a basket. (Yes, that picture hurt to see every two weeks.)  My heart has ached this week more so than it had been.  I had felt like I had been making  progress…now I think there have been about 10 steps backwards.  Had I been thinking before hand, I would not have scheduled my appointment this week.  I guess there was a reason I was there on that day just like everything else has a reason, yet to my knowledge I'm still waiting to figure it out.  Figure it ALL out for that matter.  Isn’t life like that?  We go from one thing to another trying to figure it out or understand it.

Proverbs 3:5  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

God has walked beside us, behind us, and in front of us through all of this.  I can't imagine anyone walking this road and not believing in our faithful Father.  It has been a struggle at times with questions, but never have I doubted His incredible love for us and for Grace.  He has shown us in so many ways.  People have such heartaches and tragedies in their lives, yet if they don't have God I can see how they could stay stuck in the pit of heartache, sorrow and anger.  Somedays I feel like that is where I am going, but God has shown me He is there.  He shows me through so many things.  He may bring a perfect verse to mind, or a friend shows up, or something that only God can do happens ...He is there. His Grace and Mercy surround us. I am thankful.  Thankful to walk this path.  Thankful that Grace has changed my life.  I would not change the blessing that she has brought me. She was sent for a purpose, maybe it was to be there waiting for us when we get to heaven...but there is a purpose.  Just like in all things, we have purpose.

Romans 8:28   "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Another blessing:  I had wanted family pictures (with Grace) made for Mother's Day.  They kept getting rescheduled due to weather and life.  The Sunday before Grace was born we had them made.    
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGF-MGGLpB0

The Journey Home

June 19
It has been exactly one week since we had Grace’s celebration.  I can’t imagine it being any more perfect than it was.  The day was an absolute gift from our Heavenly Father.  The weather was beautiful; the birds chirping, a light breeze blowing in the wind, the sun shining God’s light all around us.  Perfection.  We were surrounded by our precious family and amazing friends that have walked this journey hand in hand with us.  The service was so special.  Scott, Blaine and Jack carried our beautiful angel in with her sweet grandpa close behind.  I was so proud of them, her brothers were so strong.  Scott had said since the beginning that he wanted to carry her down the aisle, not to her future husband, but this time to her Heavenly Father.  We all know she was already with our Heavenly Father, but this was for us. 

Kris preached as Kris always preaches….amazing.  He spoke of how we aren’t given grace until it is needed.  Those words have been with me since he said them in a service long ago that he preached before our Grace was ever conceived. Those words came to me the day I was in the shower many months ago and I was so angry that something was wrong with our baby.  The same day that God told me He had given us Grace;  grace to be able to make it through this time, and a baby girl who we were to name Grace. Those same words rang again so many months later. You aren’t given grace, until grace is needed.  Ephesians 4:7 says "But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it."  We have walked and are continuing this journey by God's amazing grace.  There is no other way around it.  We would have never made it through this time without God's grace.

One of my favorite things at the service was all of our family and friends signing Grace’s vault.

The boys had spent several hours the night before writing words of wisdom from her brothers inside the vault.  They were having a very difficult time seeing her tiny casket at the funeral home.  Once they realized they could write on the vault; that changed their entire evening.  They tried thinking of all the life lessons they could give her and shared them through pictures and words.  A few special ones were: don't listen to dares; always obey your parents; and a personal favorite...never listen to a clown.  
We ended our beautiful service releasing 5 balloons; a light pink one for each of us and a special pink one for Grace.  Jack was a little sad as we realeased them, he didn’t sign his name on his balloon and he was very worried that Grace wouldn’t know that it was from him.

I had woke up that morning struggling with getting through the day.  I prayed that God would give me the strength to do this. I then opened up my devotional and the first words were “Let ME Help you get through this day.”  God has not stopped walking hand in hand with us each moment.  I know He never would, but it has been so nice to get visible affirmations as well.  

The days since have been tough.  I know it takes time.  We have received more blessings from others than I could ever list, and we have appreciated every single one.  We pray for each person that has sent a card, text, food, gift and are so thankful to be surrounded by those that love us and our amazing sweet baby Grace.  

The boys had VBS this week and a friend sent me this picture.  She said they were salt painting words they think of when they hear Jesus's name.  This was Blaine's word.

Thank you, Jesus.  

2 Peter 3:8 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:  With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

We will see you in less than an hour and a half sweet girl. 

Our Sweet Girl

June 8,2014

Sweet girl, I love you.  

It was so hard leaving today without you.  The wheel chair ride down to the car with nothing but flowers in my hand….no Grace, just flowers. Driving home without you.  After your brothers were born we came home to a house decorated for their arrival.  Today, we came home to a normal home.  No decorations, no Grace.  I was so angry. I’m angry that we didn’t get to keep you; angry that the boys didn’t get to see you; angry for so many reasons.  In the same anger, I'm so heartbroken. 

I am thankful that we had our glorious time together after you were born.  We tried to get in as much as we could in the little amount of time that we had with you.  Our sweet school family at Smith Elementary had given us a handmade/handwritten book of Bible verses.  The boys and I sat on the bed with you and took turns reading each verse to you.  Your Daddy found my favorite children’s book that I have read a million times to your brothers,  “I’ll Love you forever.”  We listened to the story, Jack rocked you, and we all sang  together “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”  That was such a special moment, watching my sweet boy rock his baby sister.  He kissed you, he hugged you and he loved on you.  Jack and Blaine took turns playing songs on the iPad and we sang “Happy birthday to Grace” and “Amazing Grace” over and over.  Blaine sat and rocked you and looked at you wanting to see your sweet face. He kissed you and told you how much he loved you.  Your Grandparents rocked you and held you close.  This was such a special time for us all.  There wasn’t sadness, just joy in the moment.  

Several of your family members by friendship came to celebrate with you.  It was such a bittersweet time.  The nurse had told us that at 12:30 they were going to come and pick you up and get you ready for the funeral home.  12:30 came too soon.  I wasn’t ready to let you go.  The nurse came in and said we could have five more minutes.  In that five minutes we all circled around and your Daddy prayed the most beautiful prayer for you.  I have never heard such a heartfelt prayer, your Daddy adores you and was so broken hearted to let you go.  We  all had a hard time.  I didn’t want you to leave, I wanted to hold on to you forever.  I know you were already in heaven, but I wanted to hold on to the last physical part of you we had.

My heart aches for you, I hate rolling over in the middle of the night and not seeing a crib next to my bed, but as your Daddy said last night you are in such a great place.  God knew you and knew you were not going to be healthy here on earth.  I was so sad that we didn’t get to hold you close in our arms.   I’m sad for the boys, they had  hoped they would be able to hold you and look at you.  They were so mad that we wouldn’t let them look at you.  Your Dad and I just wanted them to have a beautiful picture of you in their minds for the rest of their lives.  You were so tiny and God hadn't finished developing you yet, we just didn’t think that would be the best for them.  You were beautiful to us.  I just wanted to lean over and kiss your perfect lips, hold you next to my skin but we weren’t able to do that.  Now I just close my eyes and picture that we did.

We will head to Childress on Wednesday.  We are going to have your memorial service on Thursday morning. We will celebrate your short life with your family and friends. At the moment, I’m not looking forward to that.  Matter of fact I’m dreading saying goodbye.  We are happy that we were given the gift of you, even if it was for such a short time. 

I love you my beautiful angel, you will always be in my heart.

Your foot prints are so tiny in the middle of your brothers hand prints

Seeing Jesus, held in His arms

Ezekiel 1:28

Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.

This is what I know my Gracie was able to see when she met Jesus....radiance.  Absolute radiance. She has met Him and I know He is holding her.  I'm so sad that I didn't get to, but I know she is in the most beautiful hands.  I can't wait until the day that I get to meet the precious soul that has changed my life forever. 

I knew...Down deep in my heart, over the last week I had been preparing myself for yesterday.  The sadness that had come over me the previous weeks and the emotional heartache....I knew the time was close.  I didn't want it to be, but I knew.  Several things this week has had God's very visible handwriting on them.  

*Sunday's, Sunday school class started with "Why bad things happen?"  Great question. 

*At church I was questioning why...and I looked up on the back wall where they had several words written on a poster and Grace was written with the word Faith under it.  It was so visible, like it was written there specifically for me, a message from God. 

*A bible study that I went to on Tuesday night was right on target in talking to me.  The exact questions she stated in the video was "Why would you take a baby?"   Doesn't get any more obvious than that does it?  The study was about the names of God and this study had....El Roi, meaning God who sees. He can see it before it is to be.  He keeps you, He watches over you. 

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose,

I know our sweet Grace has a purpose.  He knew her, He planned for her and He is using her in some great way.  

*A devotional book that had been given to me yesterday (because He is El Roi and sees what is to come) by a sweet group of ladies started with this:

Welcome Challenging times as opportunities to trust me.  You have me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle. (Jesus Calling)

Yesterday we had decided we were going to take the boys for the first time to see Grace's sono.  I had a feeling that we shouldn't take them, but we did.  I had asked this same group of ladies to pray for us, because you never know the outcome of these visits.  On the drive over, I was so sad thinking this would be the last time that we would see our sweet girl on the screen, she would be here so very soon.   I have looked forward to each visit that we have had seeing Grace.    

The boys waited in the main office and we went back to a sono room. I knew as soon as she turned on the picture and nothing was moving our Grace was now in the arms of Jesus. 

Dr Ashley and Denise (nurse) were absolutely amazing.  Not good news for us, but such loving people to be there in the midst of it.  The hearts of these ladies with the job they do, God could have placed no better doctor and nurse in our lives at that moment.  I know the prayers were working and God was with us, because we were able to keep it together until we arrived back home and told the boys.  I'm sure they knew something wasn't right, but we made it home.  We had told the boys the sono machine wasn't working correctly, just so we didn't have to tell them in the doctor's office.  

We go in to the hospital later today (Thursday).  Dr. Ricks thinks she may be delivered tomorrow. I was hoping this was a dream, but I did wake up this morning at 4 and it was not a dream.  My heart is aching, I just want to hold her...I pray that we can.

Isaiah 41:10

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you!

Don’t be frightened, for I am your God!

I strengthen you—

yes, I help you—

yes, I uphold you with my saving right hand!

Psalms 57:1-2

Have mercy on me, O God! Have mercy on me!

For in you I have taken shelter.

In the shadow of your wings I take shelter

until trouble passes. 

2 I cry out for help to the sovereign God...

As I watch the beautiful sunrise and look up to heaven this morning, this verse was brought to me.

Psalms 57:10

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

I know she is in heaven this morning.  I can't imagine a more beautiful place to be.  Thank you God, for having this brief time with Grace.  God's Grace.

This song says it perfectly.  https://www.thirdday.com/music/songs/your-love-oh-lord

The Dress, A Masterpiece

Blessed by a dress.

The Original dress in 1993

 The boys were as excited as they are on Christmas morning.  They were watching the car pull up in the driveway and ran outside and back in to tell us they were here.  Blaine and Jack were jumping up and down as soon as they saw the Strouds start walking in the door.  The excitement all afternoon for this special time had been building.  We were all anxious and excited.  In her hands she carried the box... You would never guess that inside this box tied with a simple pink bow, was such a priceless treasure.  Another meaningful thing....it was Mother's Day.

Who knew twenty one years ago a wedding dress, my wedding dress, would be used again for such a different day?  I know God had a reason for it to be hanging in my closet, and today was the day we were going to see the most beautiful dress....ever.

The tears wouldn't stop rolling down my cheeks, I tried to hold them back, but just the thought of something so precious was overwhelming.  I opened the box and there were two absolutely breathtaking, identical dresses.

The gift started several weeks ago from Cathy.  The thought, work and prayers that went into making this dress was a gift in itself.  She had invited us over to her house one afternoon to help cut out pieces that would eventually be sewn into a gown fit for an angel.  She had each of us cut a part of the dress out; even the boys were able to help in making this priceless treasure.  Cathy asked us what we wanted on the dress, the only request was from the boys.  To put the front lace piece of the wedding dress onto the front of Grace's dress.

We prayed.  The prayers were for the hands that would sew the dress and for the beautiful girl that would one day wear the dress.  We prayed for a miracle, the miracle for her to remain on earth with us.  This afternoon was such a special afternoon.  Each of us were blessed, and thankful to have such Godly, caring people placed in our paths by our Heavenly Father.

As Cathy and Scott were sitting in our living room a few short weeks later I had never imagined something so beautiful.  She had made two identical dresses.  There was only one lace section on the front of my original wedding dress, so she hand pieced the lace from my train onto the other dress and you can't tell a difference on either one.  The booties were made and stitched with Grace on the bottom by Cathy's Mother.  They look like the most beautiful princess shoes I've ever seen.  Cathy made two bonnets, but didn't attach the lace.  She suggested that we stitch the lace on so that we again could be a part of helping create this beautiful masterpiece.  

Ephesians 2:10 "For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."

A Masterpiece.  That is what God has created in us.  I think of the time, meaning, thought and love that went into this special, hand made dress.  I think of how special this dress is to our family and then I think of how special God thinks each of us are when he creates us in His own image.  His Masterpiece.  The love, time and thought  He has for us.  I can't even fathom what His heart must feel.  The love I have for my own children is unexplainable and I am nothing compared to Him.

Genesis 1:27 "So God created people in his own image; God patterned them after himself; male and female he created them."

You might ask why two?  One will be for our beautiful angel to wear; the other we will keep as a treasure and a memory of the love and grace that was shared for our special Grace.

This gift was a true treasure to us.  We will never be able to say thank you enough not only to Cathy, but to all of you who are walking this journey with us. You are each appreciated, loved and prayed for.  Every name that comes across our path whether by a card, e-mail, note, etc.  you are  prayed for.  

Thank you.  

In His Love, Deidra

Hope you love the song below:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XARMbvagfwY

So grateful to Cathy!