Joy In Grace

Absolute Joy.  That is what was felt as Scott and I were at the doctor last week.  We spent almost an hour watching Grace. She was so active, we saw her beautiful face, perfect lips, nose; a true miracle.  The entire staff at that office are just wonderful.  It started with Denise,  who has previously been a RN at a NICU.  She sat down and visited with us about all that we need to think about and what we want to do with our time with Grace.  She said, it may be short, but you can make it the best.  Jessica, the sonographer spent so much time going over each sweet part of Grace.  She let us watch her move around, explained what we were seeing, and just told us how beautiful she was.  We also had the joy of seeing Dr. Ashley again.  She did share that things haven't changed, but that was not to put a damper on our joyous afternoon.  We were so happy to have the opportunity to spend that time seeing Grace.  They let us enjoy each precious minute with our sweet girl.  Thank our Wonderful Lord for technology!! We were able to see her in such detail, I just can't tell you how much that meant to us.  Each moment was so precious with her.  We are so blessed to have such wonderful doctors surrounding us now.  Doctors make a huge difference.

I love this....it was written in a Beth Moore study: "Joy is an absolute assumption in grace.  Joy is literally written into grace! God is telling us "if you only understood what grace means and what you have received by way of it, you would never cease to rejoice!"

Easter Sunday with Mom and Dad (26 weeks with Grace!)

Blaine is really having a hard time understanding this. He has had some really tough nights lately.  I completely get it.  I don't understand it, how do I expect an 11 year old to get it.  I recently heard a song from Steven Curtis Chapman and it really made me think. "What kind of joy is this to count it a blessing to suffer?" Our suffering and sadness will be so short, compared to the eternity we will spend with her.  I do count this as a blessing, had we not ever received the joy of our Grace, we would never have the opportunity to spend this short time with her.  We wouldn't have the chance to have a precious sister and daughter in Christ waiting for us in heaven.  Sounds great....still hard to explain that to an 11 year old though.

Psalms 71:20, 23 "Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again...My lips will shout for joy when I sing praise to you."

Jeremiah 29:13  "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all my heart."

Jack's Easter Egg says "Jack, Grace, Blaine"

Strength and Joy

I originally started my blog to share our story all at once, and as a diary for what I hope Grace will one day read.   It has been amazing to open yourself up to others, so they can walk your journey with you.  I realize now, the impact it has had on our family.  The amount of people that are praying wouldn’t have happened at such a magnitude as it has, if we would have kept this to ourselves.  Thank you, each of you for your continued prayers, kind words; you have been such a blessing to our family.  

For where two or three are gathered in my name, there I am among them.  Matt. 18:20

There have been a lot of tough days emotionally lately.  It seems I have more of them as the time comes closer.   A precious lady from our church is making a dress for Grace out of my wedding dress.  I had gone into the closet to get it out one day and then it hit me.  This would have been Grace’s room, and I’m getting my wedding dress out of her closet to be made into a dress for her.  I just turned around, sat in the floor and cried.  The same closet the dress has hung in since we moved into the house.  There is no coincidence that it has hung there waiting for her.  I looked around the room and was thinking of all the plans we had for the room. I looked at the wedding dress that I wore over 20 years ago and thought she will never play dress up in this…. she won’t try it on, she will never pretend she is the fairest princess of them all.    Thank goodness she will get to wear it though.  Blessings come in many ways, though they may be different than what you thought.

Last week I received a sweet post from a former student of mine.  It said “thank you for talking me out of dropping out of school.”  Now to see her graduated, and an amazing mother following her dreams makes me thrilled.  Another previous student wrote me the most beautiful letter.  To hear her words of wisdom at such a young age, to see how much she has grown from her past experiences.  

Just to see how these priceless kids grew up into amazing women.  Both of these girls have had to endure tough things in their lives, yet the things that their  experiences have done has been to make them both strong.  I see all that they have overcome; and they are both now strong, amazing women of God.   A lesson we can all learn.  They have both shown that it doesn’t matter what has happened to you in your life, you chose how you use it.  You can become bitter or you can use it to become strong.

“Be strong and take heart, all who hope in the Lord." Psalms 31:25

I chose strength.  Your prayers have helped us all to become strong. Stronger than we knew we could ever be.  Strength is something that I pray for daily.  Sometimes by the minute.  Grief, if that is what you call this, is crazy.  One minute you are ok, the next second the smallest thing can set you off.  This has happened more times than not lately.  The tears will just start rolling down my face and there is no stopping…it is like they just appear.  I know life is hard, life is hard for everyone.  I want to scream, then cry, then yell…..It feels like a pit that you can’t get out of…you feel alone.  Then I have glimmers of sun that God sends.   Jack and Blaine running their bobsled (wagon) down the street without a care in the world, the words I love you; a crazy made up song they sing to Grace, the text from a friend just to say “I’m thinking about you”, the letter from a stranger that is praying for you.  The sun will continue to shine; my joy will still be there; it all just will look different.  Every morning as I get up I say to  myself, chose joy,  we can do this today.  He will guide us; He will lead us,  He will help us through.

Blaine went to Austin this weekend and bought Grace this pen with her name on it from UT.  He told his Dad, I bought it so she will know from the beginning to be a Longhorn fan.  I love his faith.  

Please pray for us tomorrow.  We go back to see Dr. Ashley.  I’m so excited to get to take another peek at our beautiful baby girl!

I have loved the sermon series our preacher has done on Ginormous Audacious Prayers.  It is awesome how God sends you the perfect things to hear at the perfect time. We had the opportunity to share part of our testimony a few weeks ago.  If you have time, I hope you can watch it  and his sermon.  I have attached the link below.  The entire series is great if you can watch them all.
http://new.livestream.com/FBW/events/2813659/videos/46642241

In His Love,
Deidra

Grace for the Moment

This week's message at church was on Ginormous Audacious prayers.

Celebrating week 23 with Grace!

It as usual was a great sermon by our pastor, Kris.  It made me reexamine the previous 5 months.  Have my prayers been big enough; did I have enough faith to believe?  Scott and I had a talk about it after we were home.  We have prayed, we have people surrounding us that we don’t even know that are praying.  I am praying with expectation…. I expect a miracle!  I want a miracle!  I want a miracle of healing for Grace.  I know God will do either, a miracle for her healing in heaven or earth….

So what does that mean for Ginormous Audacious prayers?

From Kris’ sermon:  Ginormous audacious prayers are:

Dependent-demonstrate God’s Glory

Specific-indicate a relationship

Persistent-patience

Expectant-know God keeps His word

I do know this is demonstrating God’s Glory.  No matter the outcome, His glory is seen the entire time.  The miracle alone of becoming pregnant.  Two people who were told they would never have kids…. God definitely demonstrated His glory.  Baby three…amazing.  The amount of prayers that go up for Grace daily, the strength that He has given us to survive this--are examples of God’s Glory demonstrated.

We are specific in our prayers, but after this sermon they have become more specific.  I now pray for absolute healing here on earth.  It is ok to pray for my wants…His answer may not be the answer I’m looking for, but I’m still going to pray for it.   

I have been so persistent in my prayer…. daily I beg him to please heal her…that I would love to keep her, hold her, raise her.  I do not want her to suffer though and that is where I understand that His answer could be healing, but in heaven. 

I do struggle with patience though.  I don’t want to wait until I get to heaven to be with her, I want it NOW…. the amazing word that has become so ever popular in our society today.  Now. 

Expectant. I know God keeps His word.  He never promised me what blessing I would have here…. He promised me that we would be together.  I do believe that.  I know that today, tomorrow and forever God is with me.  He will not forsake or abandon me.  He will be with me always.  That is how I can get through this minute-by-minute.  I don’t understand why this is happening, I don’t get it…it makes me mad…but God is with me. The hurt and sorrow I feel is only temporary to what will soon come.  My eternity will be spent with The God that has been by my side through it all.  He doesn’t promise it will be easy, but in the end we will rejoice.  I will see Grace for eternity.

Sundays are hard.  I don’t know if it is the fact that I allow myself to truly process through all that is happening or that it is just a slower day, but they are hard.  A few Sunday’s ago I had cried most all of the day.  As I was walking by a shelf that we walk by all the time, a book lying on top caught my attention.  This book has been there forever.  It is one of those little books that you have laying around, when you need a quick pick me up…as well as used for decorator space.  The book is called, “Grace for the Moment” by Max Lucado.   The title alone took my breath away.  This was another one of those moments God just shows you HE IS here.  I began to think I may just have Grace for a moment, but what a moment that is.  This is the devotional that I opened up to that Sunday.

God’s Good Timing.  Luke 18:7 God will always give what is right to his people who cry to him night and day, and he will not be slow to answer them.

Why does God wait until the money is gone? Why does he wait until the sickness has lingered?  Why does he choose to wait until the other side of the grave to answer the prayers for healing?  I don’t know I only know his timing is always right.  I can only say he will do what is best…though you hear nothing, he is speaking.  Though you see nothing, he is acting.  With God there are no accidents.  Every incident is intended to bring us closer to him.

Goodness…Another answer to prayer.  At the moment that I was feeling alone and was questioning again…he answered. He gave me a reminder….there are no accidents.  This incident is for a reason. Thank you.  Thank you God for creating our three beautiful miracles.  Thank you for allowing us the moment that we have, even if it is short.  He gave us Grace, Grace for the moment.  If he didn't give her to us, we wouldn't have the opportunity to spend the rest of our lives in heaven with her.  We wouldn't see two boys already love her and have such compassion for her.  

We were excited to be able to hear her sweet heartbeat again this week.  I keep telling Scott for her to only have half of her heart working, she has the strongest heartbeat I could ever imagine.  Praise God for the beautiful sound of a miracle.  A miracle that I am blessed to be a part of.

I love this song…so true every day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cH_LLGiE0f0

Those Moments

A precious friend gave me this and said, sometimes God
shows us that grace can be beautiful in unexpected ways.

On Monday, we are listening to Grace's heartbeat loudly in the doctor's office. The boys are excited and think she must be running a race as fast as it sounds. The happiness that your heart feels when you actually hear that beautiful sound.
On Thursday, we are at the funeral home discussing arrangements.  I'm sitting there thinking how can this possibly be happening? She is alive at this very moment inside me, yet we are looking at a casket. It was one if those out of body experiences...like I wasn't really there but watching. The casket was so tiny I remember thinking a doll wouldn't fit in there. It was beautiful, yet I was thinking my angel will be in there.  No! I want her at home with me, in a cradle. I want to watch her tiny chest rise up and down as I watch her sleep. I want to hear the sound of her delicate little breath. I want to hold her so close to me that I can smell her sweet baby breath. How is this happening? 
We are driving to the cemetery and we are talking about the various plots. Are we going to buy ours now? Do we want them next to my parents or behind them?  Where is the best place for Grace?  In my husbands so positive light hearted way...he says "I don't care where I am buried, I won't be there anyways." I needed that. How true those words are. All that we are doing, is for us. Grace will not be there. She will be in the most beautiful place, the castle among all castles, the mansion among all mansions. As angry and heartbroken as I was for being there at that moment, the reality is, that it is all for us. How very selfish. It is like I want the very best for her since I will miss a lifetime with her, yet she will have the very best. Better than I can imagine or could ever give her. This place will be a place for us to visit? To remember? To talk to her? No, I can do all that without a headstone or a place to sit.  I will always remember her, talk to her no matter where I am. We will one day be together again and at that moment it will be forever.  Thank goodness I have that promise. I do have that faith. I don't have to purchase the most beautiful spot for her...she will already be there.  Her spot was already purchased by our precious Lord and Savior. That sure doesn't make it easier at this moment, but it makes it bearable.  I can't imagine those that don't have that hope, how do they make it? 
I walked around the cemetery and noticed how many infants are there. I know some of their moms, and they are doing ok. I began thinking I can make it right? I will survive this...we will survive this. You can't ever prepare yourself though. I remember during the previous year Scott's mom died after a long battle with Alzheimer's. Even though no one wanted her to suffer from that horrible disease anymore, they all still struggle with her being gone. You can't prepare yourself. As prepared as we think we are I still dread the day. Today I am thankful Grace is with me. I can still hope.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going."
We attended a beautiful wedding on Saturday. Wow...wasn't at all prepared for that moment either. As the bridesmaids begin waking down the isle I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I began that crazy self talk...you know, the one that you are like...don't blow it, take a breath, breathe!!! Don't cry!! I began praying that I would not get sick right at the moment the bride was coming!  Not because of the bride, but the thoughts of not ever seeing Grace walk down the isle.  Not seeing the look in her eyes as she can't wait to get to the end of the isle to the love of her life. Grace and Scott walking side by side down the isle, his heart aching, because his precious daughter is going to depend on another man.   I think this is my new life.  A life that will never be the same, a life that I will always wonder and wish.  There will always be those moments. 
Those Moments thank goodness are also surrounded daily by those happy moments.  The moments that your kids giggle that giggle that is so pleasing to your ears..the one that brings pure joy to your heart.  The moment when your kids get out of bed and snuggle up close to you.  The moment your husband makes you laugh like you were a kid again.  The moment when your kids say "I love you," those moments that you know you are blessed.  Thank you God.  Thank you for giving us those moments, they help us with the harder moments.

Grace and Mom loving the flowers!

WE are blessed.  Blessed beyond Measure.  The outpouring of love during this is so very appreciated.  Scott and I have been so thankful for your kind words, prayers, cards, notes and thoughtful gifts.  Someone sent the most beautiful arrangement of flowers.  Thank you.  You did brighten our day, and we do appreciate the constant prayers that go up for us and for our sweet Grace.
Thank you for the moments you have given,
Deidra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDF-I6YcLSB1w&v=F-I6YcLSB1w

One day at a time

Feelings.  It is amazing how quickly they can go from one extreme to the other.  I can’t even explain them right now.  I feel like a crumbling rock.  My heart breaks for my boys.  The excitement of finding out our baby is a girl, has given them a new light.

Jack is our precious son that doesn’t like change.  He will adapt, but it takes time.  The morning started with me walking by a beautiful picture Jack drew at church.  It just made me smile.  The joy that he has right now for Grace is unexplainable.  He talks to her; she is the first one he prays for everyday; he reads to her, he talks to my belly and will end saying, “Grace, I love you more than anything. This is Jackers over and out valentine.” I heard from teachers today that he was super excited to tell them he was going to have a baby sister named Grace.  They said he was beaming from ear to ear. He has been talking about taking her to Disney World; keeping her out of his Legos; all the plans big brothers have for their little sisters. Now, his excitement is breaking my heart.  Breaking my heart that he may not get to experience this with her. Why…. Why does this have to happen?  Why are we given something so special and then not being able to keep her?  WHOA…here comes the lack of faith.  I question myself am I faithless?  The boys truly believe God will heal her.  I tell them, and myself that He absolutely can…but the earthly side of me wants them to know He may not.  His healing may be her going to heaven.  As a parent, I want them to be prepared…. not shocked…. not let down.  I as any parent don’t want them to hurt.  I don’t want Grace to hurt.  This is the hard part.  You want to shelter your kids from pain. I became so overwhelmed with an aching heart for Grace, for Blaine and for Jack. I almost allowed myself to be consumed with this, with worry for all of this.  Can you imagine how God feels for us if we feel this way for our own children?

I think of all the miracles that have been shared with us over this experience and I know they do happen.  In the Bible there is miracle after miracle of healing.  I think of Mary and Martha who were upset that Jesus came four days after Lazarus death.  What was Jesus point in this?  To make sure ALL knew that it was a true Miracle of God and nothing else. He brought Lazarus back.   I read about all the times the disciples saw Jesus miracles, they walked side by side with Him, yet they still had times of doubt.   Then here I sit, as Blaine is crying thinking, what do I do?  Do I let them just have the pure faith that kids do?  The faith that is so much stronger than what I have.  Do I continue to tell them God’s miracle may be her perfect body in heaven?  Do I just let them believe and wait until God’s answer? 

These are the times that I wish the how to section in the Bible was very specific and said DEIDRA…read here if this happens….  This is where true faith comes in, but if I feel in my heart that God is going to take her home, is that really a lack of faith or has God already planted that in my heart for preparation?  I don’t know.  But my heart is breaking. It breaks for Grace.  It breaks for Jack and Blaine who want a sister more than anything.  The plans they have. Blaine is excited to have her sit next to him at the dinner table.  He has changed his college plans because he wants to live at home so he won’t miss her growing up.  Yes, I know, he is only 11.  That just goes to show the excitement they have for this angel.  Sometimes I just don’t get it.  I asked Blaine last night how do you think Mary felt when Jesus died?  Blaine’s infinite answer was, Mary got him for 33 years.  How do I come back from that?  I’m trying so hard to stay positive.  I do know God can heal, if that is His plan.

Blaine keeps telling me this isn’t fair.  I want to scream that!!!  I want to shout that, but I know life isn’t fair.  How do you teach that to your kids?  We try and teach our boys that things aren’t fair, look at Jesus who had to suffer on the cross.  Look at Job who lost everything.  Why did the murderer get set free and Jesus have to stay? I know that it is all part of a bigger plan.  That is all part of God’s predetermined plan.  That is the part of me that is struggling today.

We happened to be at Blaine’s basketball game tonight.  The referee was standing next to us waiting for the kids to get back on the court and someone asked him how he was.  He said, “I’m blessed.  ” 

Wow. Two Words, that is all it took.  That peace entered my body and I thought, “Yes, I am.”  I have two beautiful boys that are healthy and enjoying running up and down the court.  I have a supportive husband and family.   I have Grace.  I, too, am blessed.  Blessed more than words can ever say.

As we were doing our family bible study tonight, I thought, the mind is so very powerful.  I can quickly get caught up in the why and the negative.  I can let it rule me, but I will not.  I need to be thankful for this very minute.  I can’t worry about tomorrow or even four months from now.  I can’t worry about the pain that my boys may experience in the end. God has brought us this far, why would I ever assume He isn’t big enough to carry us through?  I can’t worry about Jack and Blaine in the long run; I need to let them experience their excitement for their baby sister today.  One day at a time.

God is a big God; he can handle today, tomorrow and next week without my worry.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  As a parent, you want more than anything to keep your kids from hurting.  Just as God wants the same for us.  You want to shield them; you would give your life for them.  Just as Jesus gave His life for us.

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thank you all for walking and praying through this journey with us.  Your posts have meant so much to us.  Please continue to pray for us, one day at a time. 

In His love, Deidra

My longtime friend Ginger reminded me of this beautiful song below. 

God's Grace

Friday was an answer to prayer.  Many prayers had gone into that day from friends, our family and us.  As many of you know, we have had a winding road in our path lately.  I will post about that on a different day, today’s post is about our answered prayers and the joy and peace that has come from it.

Friday we had specifically prayed for our new specialist.  We hadn’t been sure if we were even going to get a second opinion.  Did it really matter?  We knew most likely we would not be able to bring this angel home with us…but we wanted answers from someone that truly believed this was a miracle not a scientific problem.  Our prayer had been since all of this started to allow us to know the gender.  The previous specialist had told us we may never know, until possibly running test after IT was born, but the test may not be completely accurate either.

Friday, was our day of glory.  We walked in with the most precious lady named Jessica.  She did the sonogram and went over every inch of our angel in great detail.  Scott and I were both amazed that we had someone that would tell us what we were seeing, something that had not happened up to this point.  Previously, they didn’t even talk to us.  It was like they were hiding the fact that there was something wrong.  Not Jessica, she went over everything and did it with such compassion, I will never forget her.  I can’t imagine how you could tell two parents so much heartbreaking news, but do it with such love.  Immediately following her came our Doctor, Ashley.  She walked in like a bubbly ray of sunshine and introduced herself as Ashley.  Wow, a huge step from the last specialist, the one that couldn’t even look at us and kept his eyes closed the entire time he talked to us!  She reminded me of an elementary school teacher, just full of joy and energy.   She started from the top of the baby and explained that the brain was more at the back of the head attached to the neck, the heart didn’t have the right side chambers and it was enlarged, the kidney well there was only one and it was enlarged, the intestines are on the outside of the body, spina bifidia, no stomach, club feet.  Wow…it was like a never ending story of all that was wrong, with our angel.  She said several of these would be fixable, if it were the only thing wrong.  Then, comes the moment…”do you want to know the Gender?”  What????  Is she for real…can we really find out??? Absolutely!!!

SHE IS A GIRL!  Oh my, can I tell you the pure joy that I felt at that moment?!?!!!  OUR GIRL…the girl that was the answer to Blaine’s prayer back in September.  All he wanted for his birthday was a baby sister, and he prayed every night for one.   He told us that his birthday wish as he blew out his candles was for a baby sister.  Thank you, Lord.

Her name is Grace Elizabeth Winn.   Grace was given to me as I was in the shower one day crying and screaming out to God….WHY?  I was so angry!  Why would we even get pregnant only to not ever bring her home?  We had years of infertility, to finally be blessed with the two boys  we had.  I was 40, Scott 45;  our youngest, Jack was 8.  This pregnancy was the biggest surprise of our lives or so we thought.  WHY? WHY?  Why is this happening?  Then God gave me this unexplainable peace.  That peace that He has in the bible that says the peace that passeth  all understanding.  I never fully knew what that peace meant.  I do now, this peace is the unexplainable peace that you feel when God grants it in your time of need.  The peace that all is well with my soul.

I began to sing Amazing Grace.  I was thinking about each word and how God has also has given us Grace, God’s Amazing Grace to make it through this.  At that moment, I knew she was a girl in my heart and I knew her name was Grace.  I was so excited to get out of the shower and share this with Scott!  I knew she was a girl and God gave me the most beautiful name for her.

Proof in the pudding!  Dr. Ashley even wrote girl on our sonogram…IT Is Sonogram official!  At this moment she turned the 4D back on for the sonogram.  I can’t explain the amazement and joy as we watched Grace move around.  She pulled her hands up to her face like the light was shining in on her; to watch her beautiful fingers move around.  I will never forget that moment, the moment when you see a true miracle right in front of your eyes.  It is absolutely amazing to see life growing inside of you. 

Ashley did share the news that we had heard all along.  We will not be bringing her to our earthly home.  She has a disorder called inencephaly.  This explains each of the things that are not going well in her oh so small 5 oz. little body.   I pray Grace will not suffer with complications here on earth.  If God does not want her to have a complete healing here, I know she will enter His Gates of her Heavenly home and have a perfect body.  

I can’t explain the feelings I had the rest of the day.  I was excited, but sad, but joyful…I know…It sounds strange.  We finally had answers though.  We were going to be able to tell the boys one of the answers to the questions they had been asking.  We haven’t gone into detail with them in all of this.  They shouldn’t have to know all that there is to know.  They do know she may never come home with us, but they also know that there could be a miracle.  That is their prayer daily.  I told them God’s miracle might be different than what our expected miracle is, but there is always a reason.  We may never know God’s reason, but He is using this for something bigger than we can imagine.  That has been our prayer.  Use this in Your Mighty way God.  That gives me hope and peace.  Our family knows that no matter what, we will all be together again one beautiful day.

We have chosen to enjoy each minute that we have with Grace and live it to the fullest.  We may have her for a short time, but she is here right now with us.  She is part of our Winn family and she will experience all that we can with her. She will definitely know her loving brothers.  They talk to her and tell her all the time they love her.  They read to her, they hug her and they kiss her.  She IS with us.

Our family’s favorite verse is Jeremiah 29:  11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

This verse gives us hope and peace.  There is a plan and we will continue to seek Him each moment with all of our hearts.  Please continue to pray with us;  talk to us, and don't ever seem to worry about asking about Grace.  We are all very excited to share in her beautiful journey.  We can all give her a lifetime of love no matter how short it is.  I hope you have time to listen to this beautiful song below.  Thank you all for your love and prayers.  Deidra