The Due Date

July 24.  I woke this morning thinking wow.....today was to be the day.  The date that was given to us for a due date.  It has been a hard week.  The reality of not bringing home a baby

Loving on Grace

and enjoying such a blessing has been hard.  I miss her.  I miss her being inside of me; being with me all the time. I miss talking to her and singing to her.  I miss the boys telling her stories and reading.  The closeness that we all had to her.  We are making progress, moving forward....but it has been tough.   The boys seem to be good, and Scott, well....he has been our knight in shining armor.  There are so many things that I could list that he has said and done through this entire eight months. He is such a positive man that loves the Lord. Through this he has never wavered, he has been our rock and encourager.  I wish I could do more for him, because I know he is hurting too.  Today he gave me the most beautiful card.  Grace was born at 3:10 in the morning.  He wrote that in Mark 3:10 it says "He had healed many that day, so all the sick people eagerly pushed forward to touch Him."  Grace was healed, and she did get to touch our precious Father.  Even better, she gets to be held by Him. That has to give me a great peace.  I know that she doesn't ever have to experience the pain and heartache in the world.  She will only know life as perfect. How could I ever ask for more for my daughter?  That should ease my broken heart, but it doesn't.  The selfish me wants her here with me.  As soon as I wake every morning I pray and picture Jesus holding Grace and I ask Him to tell her that I love her and give her a sweet kiss for me. 

This has been an absolute roller coaster.  I have gone from being able to make it an entire day without an emotional breakdown to crying all day the next day. I can  see a baby in a stroller being pushed by her Mom now without totally losing it, at least I can most days.  I can also open the mail and see another doctor bill and not become angry.  I really have struggled with that.  The bills still come, even though we didn't get the beauty that went with them.  Just like life, it goes on no matter what is happening to us at the moment. I go through so many feelings from anger, to sadness and over to peace.  Crazy...right?

I had my after baby “checkup” with Dr. Ricks two days ago.  I sat in the office with all the pregnant Mom’s and I thought…hmmmm...had this all been a different turn of events I could be in here for my weekly checkup to see if we were going to deliver this week.  For one minute, I just closed my eyes and imagined everything was perfect…. then back to reality.  It was hard to be in there. The same office that I have visited for the last 8 months, same room for checkups with the picture of the sweet newborn baby twins laying in a basket. (Yes, that picture hurt to see every two weeks.)  My heart has ached this week more so than it had been.  I had felt like I had been making  progress…now I think there have been about 10 steps backwards.  Had I been thinking before hand, I would not have scheduled my appointment this week.  I guess there was a reason I was there on that day just like everything else has a reason, yet to my knowledge I'm still waiting to figure it out.  Figure it ALL out for that matter.  Isn’t life like that?  We go from one thing to another trying to figure it out or understand it.

Proverbs 3:5  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight."

God has walked beside us, behind us, and in front of us through all of this.  I can't imagine anyone walking this road and not believing in our faithful Father.  It has been a struggle at times with questions, but never have I doubted His incredible love for us and for Grace.  He has shown us in so many ways.  People have such heartaches and tragedies in their lives, yet if they don't have God I can see how they could stay stuck in the pit of heartache, sorrow and anger.  Somedays I feel like that is where I am going, but God has shown me He is there.  He shows me through so many things.  He may bring a perfect verse to mind, or a friend shows up, or something that only God can do happens ...He is there. His Grace and Mercy surround us. I am thankful.  Thankful to walk this path.  Thankful that Grace has changed my life.  I would not change the blessing that she has brought me. She was sent for a purpose, maybe it was to be there waiting for us when we get to heaven...but there is a purpose.  Just like in all things, we have purpose.

Romans 8:28   "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Another blessing:  I had wanted family pictures (with Grace) made for Mother's Day.  They kept getting rescheduled due to weather and life.  The Sunday before Grace was born we had them made.    
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGF-MGGLpB0