The Journey Home

June 19
It has been exactly one week since we had Grace’s celebration.  I can’t imagine it being any more perfect than it was.  The day was an absolute gift from our Heavenly Father.  The weather was beautiful; the birds chirping, a light breeze blowing in the wind, the sun shining God’s light all around us.  Perfection.  We were surrounded by our precious family and amazing friends that have walked this journey hand in hand with us.  The service was so special.  Scott, Blaine and Jack carried our beautiful angel in with her sweet grandpa close behind.  I was so proud of them, her brothers were so strong.  Scott had said since the beginning that he wanted to carry her down the aisle, not to her future husband, but this time to her Heavenly Father.  We all know she was already with our Heavenly Father, but this was for us. 

Kris preached as Kris always preaches….amazing.  He spoke of how we aren’t given grace until it is needed.  Those words have been with me since he said them in a service long ago that he preached before our Grace was ever conceived. Those words came to me the day I was in the shower many months ago and I was so angry that something was wrong with our baby.  The same day that God told me He had given us Grace;  grace to be able to make it through this time, and a baby girl who we were to name Grace. Those same words rang again so many months later. You aren’t given grace, until grace is needed.  Ephesians 4:7 says "But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it."  We have walked and are continuing this journey by God's amazing grace.  There is no other way around it.  We would have never made it through this time without God's grace.

One of my favorite things at the service was all of our family and friends signing Grace’s vault.

The boys had spent several hours the night before writing words of wisdom from her brothers inside the vault.  They were having a very difficult time seeing her tiny casket at the funeral home.  Once they realized they could write on the vault; that changed their entire evening.  They tried thinking of all the life lessons they could give her and shared them through pictures and words.  A few special ones were: don't listen to dares; always obey your parents; and a personal favorite...never listen to a clown.  
We ended our beautiful service releasing 5 balloons; a light pink one for each of us and a special pink one for Grace.  Jack was a little sad as we realeased them, he didn’t sign his name on his balloon and he was very worried that Grace wouldn’t know that it was from him.

I had woke up that morning struggling with getting through the day.  I prayed that God would give me the strength to do this. I then opened up my devotional and the first words were “Let ME Help you get through this day.”  God has not stopped walking hand in hand with us each moment.  I know He never would, but it has been so nice to get visible affirmations as well.  

The days since have been tough.  I know it takes time.  We have received more blessings from others than I could ever list, and we have appreciated every single one.  We pray for each person that has sent a card, text, food, gift and are so thankful to be surrounded by those that love us and our amazing sweet baby Grace.  

The boys had VBS this week and a friend sent me this picture.  She said they were salt painting words they think of when they hear Jesus's name.  This was Blaine's word.

Thank you, Jesus.  

2 Peter 3:8 "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends:  With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day."

We will see you in less than an hour and a half sweet girl. 

Our Sweet Girl

June 8,2014

Sweet girl, I love you.  

It was so hard leaving today without you.  The wheel chair ride down to the car with nothing but flowers in my hand….no Grace, just flowers. Driving home without you.  After your brothers were born we came home to a house decorated for their arrival.  Today, we came home to a normal home.  No decorations, no Grace.  I was so angry. I’m angry that we didn’t get to keep you; angry that the boys didn’t get to see you; angry for so many reasons.  In the same anger, I'm so heartbroken. 

I am thankful that we had our glorious time together after you were born.  We tried to get in as much as we could in the little amount of time that we had with you.  Our sweet school family at Smith Elementary had given us a handmade/handwritten book of Bible verses.  The boys and I sat on the bed with you and took turns reading each verse to you.  Your Daddy found my favorite children’s book that I have read a million times to your brothers,  “I’ll Love you forever.”  We listened to the story, Jack rocked you, and we all sang  together “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”  That was such a special moment, watching my sweet boy rock his baby sister.  He kissed you, he hugged you and he loved on you.  Jack and Blaine took turns playing songs on the iPad and we sang “Happy birthday to Grace” and “Amazing Grace” over and over.  Blaine sat and rocked you and looked at you wanting to see your sweet face. He kissed you and told you how much he loved you.  Your Grandparents rocked you and held you close.  This was such a special time for us all.  There wasn’t sadness, just joy in the moment.  

Several of your family members by friendship came to celebrate with you.  It was such a bittersweet time.  The nurse had told us that at 12:30 they were going to come and pick you up and get you ready for the funeral home.  12:30 came too soon.  I wasn’t ready to let you go.  The nurse came in and said we could have five more minutes.  In that five minutes we all circled around and your Daddy prayed the most beautiful prayer for you.  I have never heard such a heartfelt prayer, your Daddy adores you and was so broken hearted to let you go.  We  all had a hard time.  I didn’t want you to leave, I wanted to hold on to you forever.  I know you were already in heaven, but I wanted to hold on to the last physical part of you we had.

My heart aches for you, I hate rolling over in the middle of the night and not seeing a crib next to my bed, but as your Daddy said last night you are in such a great place.  God knew you and knew you were not going to be healthy here on earth.  I was so sad that we didn’t get to hold you close in our arms.   I’m sad for the boys, they had  hoped they would be able to hold you and look at you.  They were so mad that we wouldn’t let them look at you.  Your Dad and I just wanted them to have a beautiful picture of you in their minds for the rest of their lives.  You were so tiny and God hadn't finished developing you yet, we just didn’t think that would be the best for them.  You were beautiful to us.  I just wanted to lean over and kiss your perfect lips, hold you next to my skin but we weren’t able to do that.  Now I just close my eyes and picture that we did.

We will head to Childress on Wednesday.  We are going to have your memorial service on Thursday morning. We will celebrate your short life with your family and friends. At the moment, I’m not looking forward to that.  Matter of fact I’m dreading saying goodbye.  We are happy that we were given the gift of you, even if it was for such a short time. 

I love you my beautiful angel, you will always be in my heart.

Your foot prints are so tiny in the middle of your brothers hand prints

Seeing Jesus, held in His arms

Ezekiel 1:28

Like the appearance of a rainbow in the clouds on a rainy day, so was the radiance around him.

This is what I know my Gracie was able to see when she met Jesus....radiance.  Absolute radiance. She has met Him and I know He is holding her.  I'm so sad that I didn't get to, but I know she is in the most beautiful hands.  I can't wait until the day that I get to meet the precious soul that has changed my life forever. 

I knew...Down deep in my heart, over the last week I had been preparing myself for yesterday.  The sadness that had come over me the previous weeks and the emotional heartache....I knew the time was close.  I didn't want it to be, but I knew.  Several things this week has had God's very visible handwriting on them.  

*Sunday's, Sunday school class started with "Why bad things happen?"  Great question. 

*At church I was questioning why...and I looked up on the back wall where they had several words written on a poster and Grace was written with the word Faith under it.  It was so visible, like it was written there specifically for me, a message from God. 

*A bible study that I went to on Tuesday night was right on target in talking to me.  The exact questions she stated in the video was "Why would you take a baby?"   Doesn't get any more obvious than that does it?  The study was about the names of God and this study had....El Roi, meaning God who sees. He can see it before it is to be.  He keeps you, He watches over you. 

Romans 8:28

28 And we know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose,

I know our sweet Grace has a purpose.  He knew her, He planned for her and He is using her in some great way.  

*A devotional book that had been given to me yesterday (because He is El Roi and sees what is to come) by a sweet group of ladies started with this:

Welcome Challenging times as opportunities to trust me.  You have me beside you and My Spirit within you, so no set of circumstances is too much for you to handle. (Jesus Calling)

Yesterday we had decided we were going to take the boys for the first time to see Grace's sono.  I had a feeling that we shouldn't take them, but we did.  I had asked this same group of ladies to pray for us, because you never know the outcome of these visits.  On the drive over, I was so sad thinking this would be the last time that we would see our sweet girl on the screen, she would be here so very soon.   I have looked forward to each visit that we have had seeing Grace.    

The boys waited in the main office and we went back to a sono room. I knew as soon as she turned on the picture and nothing was moving our Grace was now in the arms of Jesus. 

Dr Ashley and Denise (nurse) were absolutely amazing.  Not good news for us, but such loving people to be there in the midst of it.  The hearts of these ladies with the job they do, God could have placed no better doctor and nurse in our lives at that moment.  I know the prayers were working and God was with us, because we were able to keep it together until we arrived back home and told the boys.  I'm sure they knew something wasn't right, but we made it home.  We had told the boys the sono machine wasn't working correctly, just so we didn't have to tell them in the doctor's office.  

We go in to the hospital later today (Thursday).  Dr. Ricks thinks she may be delivered tomorrow. I was hoping this was a dream, but I did wake up this morning at 4 and it was not a dream.  My heart is aching, I just want to hold her...I pray that we can.

Isaiah 41:10

Don’t be afraid, for I am with you!

Don’t be frightened, for I am your God!

I strengthen you—

yes, I help you—

yes, I uphold you with my saving right hand!

Psalms 57:1-2

Have mercy on me, O God! Have mercy on me!

For in you I have taken shelter.

In the shadow of your wings I take shelter

until trouble passes. 

2 I cry out for help to the sovereign God...

As I watch the beautiful sunrise and look up to heaven this morning, this verse was brought to me.

Psalms 57:10

For great is your love, reaching to the heavens; your faithfulness reaches to the skies.

I know she is in heaven this morning.  I can't imagine a more beautiful place to be.  Thank you God, for having this brief time with Grace.  God's Grace.

This song says it perfectly.  https://www.thirdday.com/music/songs/your-love-oh-lord