Our Sweet Girl

June 8,2014

Sweet girl, I love you.  

It was so hard leaving today without you.  The wheel chair ride down to the car with nothing but flowers in my hand….no Grace, just flowers. Driving home without you.  After your brothers were born we came home to a house decorated for their arrival.  Today, we came home to a normal home.  No decorations, no Grace.  I was so angry. I’m angry that we didn’t get to keep you; angry that the boys didn’t get to see you; angry for so many reasons.  In the same anger, I'm so heartbroken. 

I am thankful that we had our glorious time together after you were born.  We tried to get in as much as we could in the little amount of time that we had with you.  Our sweet school family at Smith Elementary had given us a handmade/handwritten book of Bible verses.  The boys and I sat on the bed with you and took turns reading each verse to you.  Your Daddy found my favorite children’s book that I have read a million times to your brothers,  “I’ll Love you forever.”  We listened to the story, Jack rocked you, and we all sang  together “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always, as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be.”  That was such a special moment, watching my sweet boy rock his baby sister.  He kissed you, he hugged you and he loved on you.  Jack and Blaine took turns playing songs on the iPad and we sang “Happy birthday to Grace” and “Amazing Grace” over and over.  Blaine sat and rocked you and looked at you wanting to see your sweet face. He kissed you and told you how much he loved you.  Your Grandparents rocked you and held you close.  This was such a special time for us all.  There wasn’t sadness, just joy in the moment.  

Several of your family members by friendship came to celebrate with you.  It was such a bittersweet time.  The nurse had told us that at 12:30 they were going to come and pick you up and get you ready for the funeral home.  12:30 came too soon.  I wasn’t ready to let you go.  The nurse came in and said we could have five more minutes.  In that five minutes we all circled around and your Daddy prayed the most beautiful prayer for you.  I have never heard such a heartfelt prayer, your Daddy adores you and was so broken hearted to let you go.  We  all had a hard time.  I didn’t want you to leave, I wanted to hold on to you forever.  I know you were already in heaven, but I wanted to hold on to the last physical part of you we had.

My heart aches for you, I hate rolling over in the middle of the night and not seeing a crib next to my bed, but as your Daddy said last night you are in such a great place.  God knew you and knew you were not going to be healthy here on earth.  I was so sad that we didn’t get to hold you close in our arms.   I’m sad for the boys, they had  hoped they would be able to hold you and look at you.  They were so mad that we wouldn’t let them look at you.  Your Dad and I just wanted them to have a beautiful picture of you in their minds for the rest of their lives.  You were so tiny and God hadn't finished developing you yet, we just didn’t think that would be the best for them.  You were beautiful to us.  I just wanted to lean over and kiss your perfect lips, hold you next to my skin but we weren’t able to do that.  Now I just close my eyes and picture that we did.

We will head to Childress on Wednesday.  We are going to have your memorial service on Thursday morning. We will celebrate your short life with your family and friends. At the moment, I’m not looking forward to that.  Matter of fact I’m dreading saying goodbye.  We are happy that we were given the gift of you, even if it was for such a short time. 

I love you my beautiful angel, you will always be in my heart.

Your foot prints are so tiny in the middle of your brothers hand prints