One day at a time

Feelings.  It is amazing how quickly they can go from one extreme to the other.  I can’t even explain them right now.  I feel like a crumbling rock.  My heart breaks for my boys.  The excitement of finding out our baby is a girl, has given them a new light.

Jack is our precious son that doesn’t like change.  He will adapt, but it takes time.  The morning started with me walking by a beautiful picture Jack drew at church.  It just made me smile.  The joy that he has right now for Grace is unexplainable.  He talks to her; she is the first one he prays for everyday; he reads to her, he talks to my belly and will end saying, “Grace, I love you more than anything. This is Jackers over and out valentine.” I heard from teachers today that he was super excited to tell them he was going to have a baby sister named Grace.  They said he was beaming from ear to ear. He has been talking about taking her to Disney World; keeping her out of his Legos; all the plans big brothers have for their little sisters. Now, his excitement is breaking my heart.  Breaking my heart that he may not get to experience this with her. Why…. Why does this have to happen?  Why are we given something so special and then not being able to keep her?  WHOA…here comes the lack of faith.  I question myself am I faithless?  The boys truly believe God will heal her.  I tell them, and myself that He absolutely can…but the earthly side of me wants them to know He may not.  His healing may be her going to heaven.  As a parent, I want them to be prepared…. not shocked…. not let down.  I as any parent don’t want them to hurt.  I don’t want Grace to hurt.  This is the hard part.  You want to shelter your kids from pain. I became so overwhelmed with an aching heart for Grace, for Blaine and for Jack. I almost allowed myself to be consumed with this, with worry for all of this.  Can you imagine how God feels for us if we feel this way for our own children?

I think of all the miracles that have been shared with us over this experience and I know they do happen.  In the Bible there is miracle after miracle of healing.  I think of Mary and Martha who were upset that Jesus came four days after Lazarus death.  What was Jesus point in this?  To make sure ALL knew that it was a true Miracle of God and nothing else. He brought Lazarus back.   I read about all the times the disciples saw Jesus miracles, they walked side by side with Him, yet they still had times of doubt.   Then here I sit, as Blaine is crying thinking, what do I do?  Do I let them just have the pure faith that kids do?  The faith that is so much stronger than what I have.  Do I continue to tell them God’s miracle may be her perfect body in heaven?  Do I just let them believe and wait until God’s answer? 

These are the times that I wish the how to section in the Bible was very specific and said DEIDRA…read here if this happens….  This is where true faith comes in, but if I feel in my heart that God is going to take her home, is that really a lack of faith or has God already planted that in my heart for preparation?  I don’t know.  But my heart is breaking. It breaks for Grace.  It breaks for Jack and Blaine who want a sister more than anything.  The plans they have. Blaine is excited to have her sit next to him at the dinner table.  He has changed his college plans because he wants to live at home so he won’t miss her growing up.  Yes, I know, he is only 11.  That just goes to show the excitement they have for this angel.  Sometimes I just don’t get it.  I asked Blaine last night how do you think Mary felt when Jesus died?  Blaine’s infinite answer was, Mary got him for 33 years.  How do I come back from that?  I’m trying so hard to stay positive.  I do know God can heal, if that is His plan.

Blaine keeps telling me this isn’t fair.  I want to scream that!!!  I want to shout that, but I know life isn’t fair.  How do you teach that to your kids?  We try and teach our boys that things aren’t fair, look at Jesus who had to suffer on the cross.  Look at Job who lost everything.  Why did the murderer get set free and Jesus have to stay? I know that it is all part of a bigger plan.  That is all part of God’s predetermined plan.  That is the part of me that is struggling today.

We happened to be at Blaine’s basketball game tonight.  The referee was standing next to us waiting for the kids to get back on the court and someone asked him how he was.  He said, “I’m blessed.  ” 

Wow. Two Words, that is all it took.  That peace entered my body and I thought, “Yes, I am.”  I have two beautiful boys that are healthy and enjoying running up and down the court.  I have a supportive husband and family.   I have Grace.  I, too, am blessed.  Blessed more than words can ever say.

As we were doing our family bible study tonight, I thought, the mind is so very powerful.  I can quickly get caught up in the why and the negative.  I can let it rule me, but I will not.  I need to be thankful for this very minute.  I can’t worry about tomorrow or even four months from now.  I can’t worry about the pain that my boys may experience in the end. God has brought us this far, why would I ever assume He isn’t big enough to carry us through?  I can’t worry about Jack and Blaine in the long run; I need to let them experience their excitement for their baby sister today.  One day at a time.

God is a big God; he can handle today, tomorrow and next week without my worry.  I have to keep reminding myself of that.  As a parent, you want more than anything to keep your kids from hurting.  Just as God wants the same for us.  You want to shield them; you would give your life for them.  Just as Jesus gave His life for us.

Philippians 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Thank you all for walking and praying through this journey with us.  Your posts have meant so much to us.  Please continue to pray for us, one day at a time. 

In His love, Deidra

My longtime friend Ginger reminded me of this beautiful song below.