Those Moments

A precious friend gave me this and said, sometimes God
shows us that grace can be beautiful in unexpected ways.

On Monday, we are listening to Grace's heartbeat loudly in the doctor's office. The boys are excited and think she must be running a race as fast as it sounds. The happiness that your heart feels when you actually hear that beautiful sound.
On Thursday, we are at the funeral home discussing arrangements.  I'm sitting there thinking how can this possibly be happening? She is alive at this very moment inside me, yet we are looking at a casket. It was one if those out of body experiences...like I wasn't really there but watching. The casket was so tiny I remember thinking a doll wouldn't fit in there. It was beautiful, yet I was thinking my angel will be in there.  No! I want her at home with me, in a cradle. I want to watch her tiny chest rise up and down as I watch her sleep. I want to hear the sound of her delicate little breath. I want to hold her so close to me that I can smell her sweet baby breath. How is this happening? 
We are driving to the cemetery and we are talking about the various plots. Are we going to buy ours now? Do we want them next to my parents or behind them?  Where is the best place for Grace?  In my husbands so positive light hearted way...he says "I don't care where I am buried, I won't be there anyways." I needed that. How true those words are. All that we are doing, is for us. Grace will not be there. She will be in the most beautiful place, the castle among all castles, the mansion among all mansions. As angry and heartbroken as I was for being there at that moment, the reality is, that it is all for us. How very selfish. It is like I want the very best for her since I will miss a lifetime with her, yet she will have the very best. Better than I can imagine or could ever give her. This place will be a place for us to visit? To remember? To talk to her? No, I can do all that without a headstone or a place to sit.  I will always remember her, talk to her no matter where I am. We will one day be together again and at that moment it will be forever.  Thank goodness I have that promise. I do have that faith. I don't have to purchase the most beautiful spot for her...she will already be there.  Her spot was already purchased by our precious Lord and Savior. That sure doesn't make it easier at this moment, but it makes it bearable.  I can't imagine those that don't have that hope, how do they make it? 
I walked around the cemetery and noticed how many infants are there. I know some of their moms, and they are doing ok. I began thinking I can make it right? I will survive this...we will survive this. You can't ever prepare yourself though. I remember during the previous year Scott's mom died after a long battle with Alzheimer's. Even though no one wanted her to suffer from that horrible disease anymore, they all still struggle with her being gone. You can't prepare yourself. As prepared as we think we are I still dread the day. Today I am thankful Grace is with me. I can still hope.
John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God; trust also in me. 2 In my Father's house are many rooms; if it were not so, I would have told you. I am going there to prepare a place for you.3 And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. 4 You know the way to the place where I am going."
We attended a beautiful wedding on Saturday. Wow...wasn't at all prepared for that moment either. As the bridesmaids begin waking down the isle I thought I was going to hyperventilate. I began that crazy self talk...you know, the one that you are like...don't blow it, take a breath, breathe!!! Don't cry!! I began praying that I would not get sick right at the moment the bride was coming!  Not because of the bride, but the thoughts of not ever seeing Grace walk down the isle.  Not seeing the look in her eyes as she can't wait to get to the end of the isle to the love of her life. Grace and Scott walking side by side down the isle, his heart aching, because his precious daughter is going to depend on another man.   I think this is my new life.  A life that will never be the same, a life that I will always wonder and wish.  There will always be those moments. 
Those Moments thank goodness are also surrounded daily by those happy moments.  The moments that your kids giggle that giggle that is so pleasing to your ears..the one that brings pure joy to your heart.  The moment when your kids get out of bed and snuggle up close to you.  The moment your husband makes you laugh like you were a kid again.  The moment when your kids say "I love you," those moments that you know you are blessed.  Thank you God.  Thank you for giving us those moments, they help us with the harder moments.

Grace and Mom loving the flowers!

WE are blessed.  Blessed beyond Measure.  The outpouring of love during this is so very appreciated.  Scott and I have been so thankful for your kind words, prayers, cards, notes and thoughtful gifts.  Someone sent the most beautiful arrangement of flowers.  Thank you.  You did brighten our day, and we do appreciate the constant prayers that go up for us and for our sweet Grace.
Thank you for the moments you have given,
Deidra

http://www.youtube.com/watch?list=RDF-I6YcLSB1w&v=F-I6YcLSB1w